Getting Closer to 2013

As l get closer to 2013, l feel like l am moving further away from my goals. I was always told that my thirties would be the busiest time of my life, but that is a large understatement. Weeks feel like days, semesters feel like weeks. I blink and time has passed me by. I am torn in so many directions, work, study, children, family, and then there is me. Trying to find time for me, without feeling like l am missing out on time better spent else where.

I have managed to keep up my fitness by squeezing in 5 min workouts in the morning and evening, and have just recently purchased myself a bike so love riding my bike with my boys, talking and playing with them. It's my food that continues to hold me back. I eat for the sake of eating, which drives me crazy. I avoid mirrors and certain clothing because l know they will give me the honest truth l am trying to avoid, which is l have let the food win again.

So today is another change to get it right. I need to get my eating back on track and stop avoiding the truth that l have gained far too much weight back, and it is not healthy. So l am going to try to find the time, along with everything else that l do, to make myself aware of what l am putting in my mouth. Writing this blog helps keep me aware and present, as l can not hide from the mirror any longer, if l do l will end up back where l was in 2005 by the end of 2013, which was over 100 kilos, unfit and unhappy. Now to unlock the energy l know l feel when l kick up the exercise and clean up the diet and use this to help me complete my crazy schedule  so when l do hit my forties and get to slow things down, l will have a body that is healthy and can enjoy this time.

Gone but not out

Well l thought l was balancing my diet well. My weight has been consistent and l have kept up the exercise. However l have felt my energy levels slowly reducing since Halloween. Yesterday l went to bed at 7 pm and didn't wake up till 8 am. After that amount of sleep l finally feel better, but it begs the question what has caused me to feel so tired. The only link l have is the food l have been eating since Halloween, which has been more sugar based. So today l start to clean up my act all over again. Let's see if this energy slump is because of my diet or my schedule  l guess l will find out in five days time.

Although it is hard to do, l find myself automatically placing my hand in the lolly jar. I am currently craving a hot donut. Instead l am having a glass of water and a yogurt. So l will keep you up to date with my energy levels to see if their is a link between the lolly jar and this tired feeling.

on the path

Okay l am slowly accepting the a ugly, awful, terrible (l could use more adjectives however you get the gist) truth that l will always have to watch what l eat. It is very hard for me to accept that l can't just eat with out having to think about it. However when l make the comparison to other addicts it does make sense. A recovering alcoholic has to come to terms with the fact that they can't go to a party and just have one or two drinks, because they can't stop themselves. That is how l am with food, once l start to stop thinking about it l slip into bad habits. I am lucky though compared to the alcoholic who could probably never take another sip of alcohol, l can have food l just have to monitor how much l have.

So l am hoping now that monitoring food will become more automatic. When l first learnt to drive a manual car l bunny hopped down the road as l was busy concentrating, clutch in, shift gear, clutch out, accelerator,steer, etc etc. I can now drive my manual car with very little thought of gear changes and in a very smooth fashion (if l do say so myself). This is how l hope to be with food eventually, right now l am bunny hoping down the road, but while l am doing this l am learning. I am making mistakes but l am learning from them. I never thought that losing weight would be such a hard challenge that deals with so much more than food.

To date l am now back to 72kilos yay!!! only three more kilos to be back to where l was this time last year. I now l can do it, even if l have to hop the whole way there.

Rip the bandaid

If you haven't noticed, l have (gulp, rip the bandaid Gaby) gained weight. Yes, not just a little bit either l have gained 6 kilos. I had to laugh at the doctor yesterday, l went in for a routine check up and she asked me how long it took me to gain the weight back and she didn't believe me when l said three weeks. Yes, there is only black and white in my life when it comes to food. I can compare myself to any other addict who goes on a bender. The doctor asked me why l had gained the weight, what's changed. My response is nothing, l just go through moods and every so often l get feed up with having to monitor my food.

I told her when l was a child l never had to watch what l ate, why now do l have to spend the rest of my life doing this for. She asked me one question which has made me change my mind "Your boys, don't you monitor and control what they eat?", if so when you were a child you didn't have to monitor you food because someone else did it for you. Food is something you will have to monitor for the rest of your life, just like you have to monitor your health and exercise, you will have to do the same with food.

She is right, it is not easy being healthy. Not when there is so much temptation and devices that make life easy for you. But in the end of the day all the gadgets and other things which are designed to make your life easier actually make it harder, harder to shift the weight. We spend less time moving, l know my activity levels have dropped this last couple of weeks due to being under the weather. So today l started using my fitness pal again and now bringing myself back to the consciousnesses of what l am eating. The food l am eating is healthy but my portion sizes are huge.

So back on the band wagon again. And now l know the band wagon has to stay. I have to watch what l eat and how much otherwise when l bury my head in the sand when l pull it out l appear to have gained 6 kilos.

2 mins of fame

Well l got my 2 mins of fame last night on Chanel two news. They wanted to interview me about my view on the rising obesity epidemic. My view is that we need to stop focusing on body images and move towards looking at this as a health issue. I personally know that is why l wanted to lose weight in the first place. It wasn't because l wanted to be a skinny girl. It was because l hated feeling sick and l knew what l was eating and doing was making me feel this way. Being overweight is a form of illness. You do feel sick, if you are currently overweight l want you to really think hard about this questions and answer honestly.
1. At night do you have to wake up to go to the bathroom?
2. Do you have to change posititions during the night because your body aches?
3. Do you suffer from headaches?
4. Are you Lethargic?
5. After eating do you feel even more lethargic?
6. Are you bowel movements irregular?
7. Do you have body aches, such as sore lower back, sore knees, that cause you pain and discomfort?
8. Is your skin blotchy, dry, prone to eczema and psoriasis?
9. Do you sweat alot??
10. Do you suffer with depression?
11. Do you have mood swings?

All these questions above l could answer yes to when l was over 100kgs, l also know that if l gain a few kilos back l can begin to answer yes to these questions again. Once you begin to treat your body well you start to question why you were treating yourself like this in the first place.

The other amazing thing l noticed yesterday was that my husband's weight has also dropped along with me. Although my husband never gained a huge amount of weight he still was overweight. With me changing my lifestyle and eating habits he was forced to do the same. As in many households there is normally one person who is the main cook. As the head cook in my house l do control the other house members food without even realising it my health choices have made an impact on my entire family.

So if you are the head cook in your household remember your choices impacts your entire family. You are your children first teacher of life and you lead by example as a role model. Regardless if you give them the healthy food and you eat poorly you are still there role model. Do as l say not as l do, does not work with children. So as we currently sit at home in this very cold winter, remeber there is always a healthier better option and think about what you are putting into your mouth impacts your life span, your health. It won't be long till we will be seeing hard hitting ads about this on tv. Just like TAC and the quit smoking campaigns have ran hard hitting ad's soon the government will have to do the same about obesity.

Why is obesity on the rise?? why is it such an issue??? I have my theories. My biggest one is the fact that people are so disassociated with our food. I'll put on my old grandma voice here "back in the day" people grew some of their own food, and bought basic staple ingredients like, butter, milk, flour, sugar. So people weren't buying processed items. The biggest key to losing weight is going back to basics, get rid of the processed foods, eat natural foods and move more. It is cheaper and healthier and better for the environment. I am not going to get started on the carbon tax, however if you look at where our food comes from there should be a tax on those products. Do you know the milo cereal bars come from Singapore? Yes they are made there and then shipped to Australia? How does this make sense, when we have all the ingredients and production facilites to do this here however it gets sent all the way to Singapore. Not to mention the amount of food we waste and throw out. However a carbon tax makes sense?? Hmmm maybe there is a way of killing two birds with one stone, maybe we should be looking at a way of taxing processed products which are bad for the environment as well as for people instead, allowing essentials like heating, cooling and facilites for people to cook at home to be cheaper.

Well that is my rant for the day. I'll now step down from my soap box and resume back to normal blog posts. Until then try to spread the word.

Winter mojo

As the days get colder it becomes harder to stay motivated. When all you are wanting to do is snuggle up on the couch and eat some hot soup. So l have been forcing myself to keep the exercise up, but changing it a bit. I've been having fun getting onto you tube trying to find new and different work outs every day to keep me motivated. My favourite one so far is the ballroom dancing work out. This mixed with trying to finds other ways to incorporate fitness into my day while it is raining outside is becoming fun. My favourites so far is the cleaning Olympics. Me and the kids have been challenging one another to see who can clean up a certain room first, we put music on and go for it. It's amazing what a bit of competition does to get the boys and me cleaning. The other challenge l've given to myself and the boys is to pick a different fruit and vegetable each week from the green grocery we have never had before. This weeks selected items were a coconut, parsnip, kiwi fruit, okra and grapefruit. Fresh coconut is very different from dried. However it was nice to see one of my children really taking this experiment on putting all new and exciting items on his pizza this Friday night. He didn't eat them all but he at least tried them and that is all l can ask for.

Which comes back to me, l at least am trying to find new ways to do exercise during winter that don't cost money and take up to much time Not everything l do is a success, not everything l cook tastes great, not every work out l do l love. However l still keep on trying. Everyone can always come up with excuses to not do anything but if you give it a go you might enjoy what you get at the end. So why not try a different fruit or vegetable and try a different work out on you tube. You never know what you will find when you start looking.

monday morning oaths

I wonder how many of you, like me, have made the Monday morning oath. "i will start my diet today", "l will lose weight this time", "this time l know it will work". Come on everyone has done some Monday morning oath of one kind or another. What l now ask all of you is why do you need to take an oath? I like an oath, don't get me wrong, however most of my oaths just never stick.

Oath's have not worked for me in the past so why should they work for me now. It's almost like as soon as l make one l feel compelled to break it. I am a person who hates having restrictions placed upon me, many of us do, and as soon as l feel like something is forbidden it becomes even more desirable. So l have decided to change my style of oath, rather than restrictive to being a positive oath.

I was thinking the other day about incidental exercises. Remember before we had remote controls and you had to get up off the couch and change the channel, when you had to go to the post office, bank and numerous other places to pay your bills rather than press a few numbers into your phone or computer. My son asked me the other day what l use to do after school when l got home. I use to spend hours outside, regardless of the weather, playing, practising, exploring and moving. The only interesting program on the TV at night time for children was neighbours or home and away. So l would stay outside until it was time to eat, then watch neighbours, have a shower and read a book. Very different from our children's lives who find it hard to separate themselves from the devices that hold so much entertainment. It was hard work for my parents to get me inside to sit still, yet l have the opposite now of trying to get myself and my children outside and moving.

Today l decided to take the children and l on an adventure. Yes, l could of joined my husband to go into the tan (a running hunt in Melbourne) and do a lap but l worked out the km's for the cranbourne botanical gardens and found a walk l could do with the boys which was longer and would be fun for all of us. Some people are not aware that there is minimal calorie difference between walking a km and running a km. The only difference is how long it takes. So never feel guilty if you are only walking, just make sure you do your km's and you'll be fine. So off we went and it was a great day out, not a work out, not how many calories l burned. Instead is was like being that child again who use to run outside the minute l got home not because l had too but because l wanted to. The children and l jumped in muddy puddles, found a kola bear, (l pretended) the kids believed that we discovered dinosaur foot prints, climbed up trees and frames, and talked about different plants. My children learnt so much and it was a free, fun and easy event. It's days like this l know my children will remember, not sitting in the lounge playing plants vs zombies.  

So regardless of the weather, regardless of your pressures, think of finding ways that you can engage in exercise not because you have to but because you want to and try to remember that time when you where a child and you run as fast as you could because you liked feeling the wind. Most importantly let your children create those memories for themselves that they can hold dear like l do.

My Monday morning oath, to be more like a kid again in more ways than one, l think that is one that l can truly live up to.

Long time no speak

Long time no speak. Life has returned back to normal and l enjoy every part,but my diet. I now realise l could never work from home, unless my house didn't have a kitchen. I find myself using the kitchen as a distraction. Chocolate and cakes has crept back into my diet and so has pimples and lack of energy. A new cake shop has opened up across the road from me and they are yummy and cheap. Which makes it very hard for me to resist. The one thing l have noticed since starting my weight lose journey is realising how much your diet effects your body. It's not the weight gain l notice, it's something more important to me. It's the way l feel, when l am exercising and eating clean, words can not describe the way l feel in my skin. There is nothing l enjoy more than working up a huge sweat because l know the high feeling l will have afterwards. The feeling lastswith me all day, it keeps me in a good mood and helps me to see the bright side rather than the dark.

However after a few weeks of poor food choices and little exercise that feeling is gone. Once you've tasted that feeling of being healthy no cake can compare. So now l can recognise the signals and make changes sooner to help keep me on the straight and narrow. It is a constant challenge to make the right choices however the way l feel when l make the wrong ones makes it easier to correct myself.

So cheers to that good feeling, fingers crossed I'll have it back by the end of the week.

Work is good for the weight

Working is good for my weight and my budget. Although l am not 'working' because l am not earning a wage, l am completing a placement as a pre service teacher for three weeks. I avoid the staff room as there is always a delicious aroma wafting out of there. Delicious aroma and my hips do not agree. So best way of beating temptation is to stepping any where near that room. I find l am so busy l do not have time to get hungry and not much time to eat. So working does help with my weight. I was concerned that working full time l would struggle with my weight but it has helped me.

I am looking forward to going back to a normal routine, as much as l have loved my placement l have missed my time with the boys. I am so grateful for all my friends and family to help me get everything l need done. Although work has been good for my weight stress has been a bad thing for it. On the weekend l was stressed out about completing my science assignment. In one weekend, which is two days, l gained....... wait for it...... 4 kilos. Yes l even shocked myself when l stepped on the scales Monday morning. l have managed to work off three of those four kilos this week. I used food to help me deal with my stress on trying to complete the assignment. However l should know by now that a walk would of done more good than a chocolate bar.

Fingers crossed if l behave this weekend and do as well as l have this week at school l should be below 70kgs by the time l finish my placement

sickness from the mind

I have been feeling awful since Sunday. Thought it was gastro, maybe a flu... Just could not work it out. Would feel dizzy and nausea, sore neck. Only felt okay if l sat up straight and did nothing. However l finally worked out this afternoon that my body was not sick, it was my mind. Since Monday the stress has begun, thinking about children going back to school and kinda. Myself going back to work and then the ace card, me beginning my three week placement the following week. My three week placement is not the stressful part, its the fact that my mother is going to be living with us for three weeks during this placement to look after the children that has me stressed, plus the thought of trying to get uni work done at night after working all day, plus find time for the family.

Been feeling very guilty lately with the lack of time l have for the children at present. Most of my day is spent either cleaning, playing taxi driver, studying or cooking. Trying to find time to play with the children is getting harder. So today the nausea and dizziness began when l sat down to start doing uni work and saw that the floors were in desperate need of a clean. The cycle then began where the more l noticed the more l would feel sick because the to do list in my mind was growing every second and l kept on thinking how am l going to get all this done when l feel so sick and then would feel more sick, etc etc, it wasnt until l left the house for school pick up and started to feel better playing with my boys in the playground that l realised that it was stress. As soon as l got home, l wrote everything down and devised a plan and now the nausea and dizziness is gone.

What this got to do with food, well it has to do with the fact that l make myself feel sick with stress because l dont have the abiltiy to realise that tension in another form, l believe l use food to help me to deal with stressful situations because l dont know any other way to deal with stress.

back to good habits

So l went back through my books to work out when my weight loss was working for me. I discovered it was when l was tracking my food and exercise. So today l am back to using myfitness pal and wearing my heart rate monitor. I really do suffer from food amnesia, where l totaly forget about that piece of chocolate l happened to consume. However my fitnesspal prevents that from happening, because l always have my phone with me, what l generally do is put it into my phone before l put it into my mouth.

I am still 72 kgs and my aim is to get down to 68kg so four more kilos to go. I swear the last three kilos l lost where all on my stomach, l still have some there but the muffin top in my jeans has nearly gone. Felt awful to be uncomfortable in my clothes again. I really dont like that feeling at all, so this is incentive enough for me to continue on this path.

My favourite quote for the week is "Im not losing weight. I am getting rid of it. I have no intention of finding it again." Love it, so this is my inspirational quote for the week.

How are you all going with your weight? Do you struggling with fluctuating weight like myself? Find it hard to lose weight, or have difficulty putting on weight?

72kgs yay

So l am now back down to 72 kilos. This is normally when the going gets tough. So from here on out l will be glad if l can loss a kilo a week. It's mothers day in four weeks, my aim is to be 68kgs by mothers day. I cleared the shelves yesterday at the supermarket of a product called Chang's, super lo-cal wok-ready noodles. A 200g serve of noodles is only 10 calories. I love the fact they are 10 calories and that all you need to do is drain, rinse and then throw into your stir fry for the last 2 minutes to heat them up. It really helps to bulk up my lunch and dinner without the calories. There is a million recipes for these noodles and l've tried a few. One claim is to swap your pasta for the noodles, l've tried it and l will not recommend. In salad, soups, stews and stir fry's yes, its a fantastic alternative.

Off to do my most enjoyable work out today, shopping!!!!! People think that they only work out you can get is at a gym. They are very wrong. Being fit and active isnt about going to the gym. It's about walking instead of driving, talking the stairs instead of the lift, walking over to tell a person who is only three stalls away a message rather than emailing them, playing basketball with your kids, dancing while you do the house work, hanging the washing out, bringing your groceries in.

All the actions we do to function as a person is all a work out. Unfortunately most of us live in a box mentality, we wake up on a box in a box, get up and watch a box, while our breakfast is cooked in a box, we then jump in another box to travel to another box, then sit all day in a box in front of a box to go home and repeat the cycle all over again. How long has it been since you had a no tv day or a no car day? When l was a child l couldnt wait to get home to be rid off the confounds of the classroom, l hated being stuck inside all day, as soon as l got home l was out the door, riding my bike, shooting hops, roller skating, even when it was raining l would spend hours under the carport playing down ball. Why did this stop? My aim is to try and get this back into my life, rather than sitting on the couch and watch some one else have a life l would much prefer to be doing something that meant l had a life. Escaping the box!

2 Down 6 more to go

I have lost 2 kilos now, just 6 more to go to be back to where l was in August. It amazes me how different my body reacts at different stages. It is always easy for me to drop the weight till l hit around the 70kg mark and then it gets tough to shift the weight. I havent had to make any drastic changes to loss these two kilos in one week, all l had to do was stop eating the junk and it just drops off. However once l hit 70kgs thats when l have to start upping the ante. Maybe this time it will be different? Who knows but l doubt it very much..

I am very excited about doing a good work out this morning. I have a crazy schedule and whenever there is a day when l dont have any obligations l like to take advantage of it. Today l am going to spend the morning on a killer work out. I want to push my body this morning to see if it still works. When l slack off on my diet, l also slack off on my workouts. I am hoping what l have been doing has maintained my fitness. So just like l jump on the scales every day to check my weight, today l am going to push my body to check my fitness.

I highly recommend you to try and keep a record of your fitness. It is a hard thing to monitor unless you have a scientific approach. I like to use the following test for my fitness:
- timed sprint (pick a distance between 50m - 100m)
- timed 2kms jog/run
- standing jump, you jump up as high as you can next to a wall with a piece of chalk in you hand mark the highest point you can reach and then measure
- plank hold (how long you can hold a plank for)
- push up in a minute

These are all test that you dont need fancy equipment for and you can jot these down and keep them safe, and refer back to them. The jumping test, is about testing leg strength, sprints is about testing leg strength as well as cardio fitness, jog is about testing heart/ lung fitness, plank is about core strength, push ups is upper body strength.

I keep these results on a excel spreadsheet along with my measurements. It's been very sad and frustrating to see my measurements going back up. However it is added incentive to get back on track.

I made it not one easter egg!!!

I made it, l did it, l did not have one easter egg, or even two, l had zero easter eggs!!! I did unwrap one and was about to put it in my mouth when my youngest came up and asked for chocolate. I took it as a sign and handed it over. So thanks to willpower and a two year old l did not eat any of the million easter eggs we have in our house.

I feel l have my mojo back, l did lose my way there for a while. Sometimes when you take alot on your plate you have a adjusting period, till you get use to the new routine. Unfortunately l dont deal well with these situations and rather than talk things through l eat my words instead. Any issue in my life and l will always reach for food to fix it. I finally discovering now at 32 that food doesnt fix it, and doesnt even make it feel better for a minute. I use the food to numb myself, l have caught myself eating and not even realising what l was doing, it was like my body was on autopilot and l was just sitting there watching as my hand casually picked up BBQ shape after BBQ shape until the whole packet had gone. I hadn't even registered that l had eaten one, yet l had eaten a whole box.

My children's diet has suffered as well. I made the excuse that l would buy a few treats for the children to keep them entertained while l did some uni work. That in itself l should be ashamed off, using tim tams and packets of chips as rewards. However l found l was the eating most of the stash. My children dont need donuts, chocolate, chips, lollies etc etc... They need a healthy diet to help them to grow big and strong. The alarm went off the other day when l offered my son a packet of chips and he said "no mum, my tummy has been really sore the last two days l think l need an apple". When your four year old tells you that you feel awful. It's bad enough neglecting my own body, but neglecting my own children's body is another thing. I know l may be harsh on myself, yes kids do eat junk food, and yes l do let my children eat that food. But after a week of eating crap they didnt feel like themselves. I was still making them there normally breakfast, lunch and dinner but all the snacking in between on the bad stuff had made them and me feel sick.

So l am looking forward to returning to some healthy normality. Next time when l am having to adjust to something new, l wont sacrifice mine or my families health. Instead l will have to be big girl and talk about it, l have a family But l now know its better to ask for help and swim than not ask at all and sink.

No easter eggs

I am currently sitting with a ticking time bomb behind me. Well it's not ticking, because chocolate easter eggs dont tick. But my willpower is ticking. I have not had a egg yet, well l didn't have one yesterday. I well and truly had my fair share of Easter eggs and hot cross buns before the big event. Now after Easter egg hunts and visiting my sister l have a huge bowl of chocolate behind me. I have deliberately placed it behind me so the visual temptation is not there. This is a test of my willpower and new determination.

Now l am one who believes in moderation, believe but does not practise. I always have the best intentions of just have one easter egg or just two squares of chocolate, to find myself an hour later wondering where did the block of chocolate go? and how come there isn't any more easter eggs left? It's because l keep on going up saying oh just one more, just one more, and then finally ohhh stuff it l have already eaten too much may as well eat the rest and then l wont be tempted to eat it tomorrow.

So l am trying a new psychological control technique today. Everytime l am tempted to eat the chocolate l think about that sick feeling l get after gorging on chocolate. You know that feeling, and then think about the feeling l get after eating an apple. It's working so far, but then again it is only 8am. But l know l can do it!!!! down to 74kgs today, fingers crossed tomorrow l will be 73kgs. Its strange how l can easily drop weight down to around 72kgs, as soon as l hit 72 kilos it gets harder and then when l got to 67kilos it felt impossible hence why l didnt go below that.

Happy Easter everyone and avoid the ticking bombs!

I've been a bad girl

I've been a bad girl and paying the price for it. Currently while l seat and write this l can see and feel the bulge of my stomach, it has reappeared to haunt me and remind me that l can not go and eat crap and except to get away with it. I have not gotten away with it at all, jumped on the scales this morning and nearly had a small heart attack, 75 kgs, yes 75kgs, l have managed to gain 8 kgs back very easily. So this morning instead of gorging myself with easter eggs, l went for a walk and did a 30 min workout in the back yard and had a bowl of porridge.

That is the thing, when l jump off the deep end, l take a run up, and jump the furthest l can. I am lucky to have this blog to keep me honest. So it starts all over again. Changing my diet back to one that is clean and if l want something that isnt l have to work for it first. It's a fact of life, l cant sit on my ass and eat all the junk l want and be healthy. It felt so good after my workout this morning. I did forget how good it is to have that feeling. I think everybody needs to be reminded how good it feels when you are healthy. One thing that did not feel good this morning is jogging. OMG l need a belly and bottom bra, l hated the feeling of my stomach and bottom giving me whip lash every time l ran. I also couldnt run as fast or as far, l dont believe this is because my fitness has dropped off but moving an extra 8 kilos is hard work.

So in normal Gaby fashion l will find the silver lining which is "atleast l dont need to use weights for my work outs because l piled it on naturally". So now to get cracking and loss 5 kilos by Mothers Day and l will have to inform my children no chocolate for mothers day, might do the mothers day 5km fun run.

Have l mentioned that l am busy

I don't know if l have mentioned this. But l am really busy, l am not lying here people. Not busy enough to stop eating. But l am only just now starting to find a new rhythm that l have to follow. This year, l  hope, will be the busiest year of my life, and then after this l plan on doing nothing. Well l lie there, those of you who know me, know that l can not do nothing. But this year l am working part time, president of the kindergarten, running bootie camp, studying full time and oh have three children, one husband a cat who all want my attention. Then there is me who would also like sometime to myself. Sigh, there l got it all out there.

While l was adjusting to this new schedule many things have slipped. One of those being my weight. It is so hard for me right now to find a balance, l really would like to be around 65kgs. Albeit l want to be able to lead a life where l don't have to document every morsel of food that passes my mouth and every calorie of sweat that leaves my body. I just want to be able to eat a clean healthy diet and not have to worry about blowing my calories. That's the hardest thing about getting closer to your goal weight. What you have to do to get to the weight off and stay there is so much hard work. Sometimes it is hard to justify the effort, especially when my original goal when l was 100kgs + was just to be a size 12.

So l am thinking of changing the title of my blog the girl who is struggling to decided what bloody weight she wants to be. I am also approaching my danger period of the year EASTER!!!!! (jaws theme song music playing the back ground) l have never known an Easter where l have not gained at least 5kgs. This year my aim is not to gain any, yes you heard me right. I am not going to gain any weight over Easter. I recently let milk chocolate re enter my diet and it hasn't been good, it didnt make me feel nice and my skin has broken out. Notice how l state milk chocolate, dark chocolate l find to be okay, mainly because l have two squares and l am fine, but dairy milk, a family block later and l still could have more. I have already done the chocolate over indulge before Easter and l am now back to 73kgs, yes you heard me right 73kgs. My weight yo yo's so much it is ridiculous. One thing for sure is l know 73kgs is not a great a weight for me, so at the moment l am reining in the food this week and ramping up the exercise to lose a kilo or two and then monitor it from here. So watch out you girls at bootie camp, this week is going to be a killer.

confession

Well it's time to fess up. I've been slack, really slack. I gave myself a week off for my birthday and then yesterday went to put on a pair of jeans that fitted perfectly to find that they have shrunk. Well it would be nice if it was true but the pants haven't shrunk l have grown and in all the wrong places. It is amazing how quickly it can happen. So today is the beginning once again. If l counted the amount of times l have said that to myself l would be counting for a long time. However it is not how many times you fall off the waggon but how you get back on. Getting back on the waggon now only after a few kilos is easier than 10kilos later. So (gulp) here is goes. I Gabriela am 72kgs today, yes 72kgs. I was shocked when l saw the number appear on the scales, l weighed myself four times in a row to make sure it was correct.

So l have to start all over again, l am not happy with my figure right now, the boobs are good but the rest is not. The tummy is bloated, the thighs are wobbling, the bum is bouncing and worst still my skin has broken out. Yesterday l went to a children's party and over dosed on jelly beans, freckles and pink icing. Within 20mins l had a headache, my stomach blew up to twice it's size and l felt sick and tired. I sculled four glasses of water and went for a long walk and this helped a little bit but l am still feeling the effects today.

I still find myself asking the same questions. Why am l addicted to food, why can others go without it, how can others have a table full of food in front of them and just eat a little and be happy? My willpower is my weakest link, it's time l started to flex so muscle their and hopefully l can get myself back to were l use to be.

Just how big is this battle

So l went to all this effort to put in all of these safe guards so l wouldn't blow out over Christmas. Which as l reported l did not. However after Christmas finished and l thought to myself, l got through that it should be easy now, never say never. I gained weight for the first time ever over the new years eve weekend. Since then l have gained more. I feel like s**t, l have no energy, l feel bloated and exhausted. I haven't been eating crap, l have no crap in the house. Albeit l have been eating huge serves. From about lunch time on l just don't stop eating.

So today l looked at myself in the mirror, looked back at the photo on my blog and saw that l was falling back into nasty habits. Losing weight + maintaining it= dedication. You can never be slack you have to change your life style to suit this, otherwise you are constantly going between feasting and fasting.

So tomorrow l begin to rein it all back in. Smaller portion sizes, more exercise, and no more excuses or hiding. That is my biggest down fall in life. If there is ever a problem, l would rather bury my head in the sand than deal with it. I haven't dared go near my scales for the last four days, because l know they will not lie to me. However if l don't step on them l don't need to know the truth. Not knowing the number does not change the number and l have to start being a big girl and facing all my demons. I will be back in love with my scales again but right now we will call it a truce. For l fear if l see the number l may cry and just revert back to even worst habits. So for now l will stay clear, clean up my act and fingers crossed this time next week l will jump on the scales confident that l will be near to what l was previously.

Every one falls off the wagon, its how you get back on that counts.