Long time no speak

Hi All,

Please excuse the lack of communication recently. I have been on a very busy journey. I can now proudly say that l have finished my bachelor of primary education degree. It was a long journey but well and truly worth it.

Now that l have finished that sector of my life, l can now go back to nourishing my body as well as my mind. I jumped on the scales this morning and l am currently 82.6 kgs. Looking back at 4/11 last year l weighed 71.4 kgs. Some people might find that depressing. Me on the other hand see it as confirmation that if l reached that goal once, l can do it again!!!

Now that l have no work commitments for term 4 my full time job is to get myself and family back on track. I am sure my weight gain has also impacted my family as well. I know my fitness has dropped as well, meaning that l do not have enough energy to give my three boys. Yesterday l had to do a lap of the school gym and high five all the students, l noticed when l got back to my spot that my heart rate was up and l was finding it hard to breath at a normal rate. That is when l realised that l needed to jump back on the band wagon.

I really want to work, have time for my family and have time to be fit and healthy. It is now my challenge to get my fitness back and then work out how l can sustain this while working next year.

What ever the future holds for me with work, the one thing l can control and l am certain about is getting my fitness and health back. I am looking forward to having a summer full of fun! Were l have enough energy to play all day with the boys and still have some left over for hubby by the evening.

Speak again with you soon. If l find my measuring tape l will put up my measurements so we can all track my progress together.

Blast from the past

Got an unusual message today from a person l use to know 14 year ago. The message was unusual because it reminded me of what my body use to be like 14 years ago. I remember how l never really had to worry about what l wore. Unlike now worrying about, finding garments to hide a tummy, disguise wide hips and control breasts. Bathers shopping is a nightmare, trying to find garments that can construct and sculpt, compared to the bathers l use to wear, which l don't even think you could call bathers, just a couple pieces of Lycra positioned to stop me from being charged with indecent exposure.

It sparked in me a longing which l haven't felt for a long time. To lose weight takes dedication and you need to be motivated to want to change. At present l find it hard to motivate myself, but that memory of how life was much easier, comfortable and confident has sparked a new passion in me. So my aim's have been set high, Too lose this weight again by summer next year, get my dream job, then l can afford to get my tummy tuck and to finally be back into a two piece bathing suit next summer. I know l will never wear such a skimpy suit ever again, and nor do l want to. Albeit l want to wear a suit that l don't have to worry about my body. To feel that confidence l use to instill, that would make a man remember me 14 years later. I know my husband feels that way about me, but it doesn't matter how other people think or feel about you, it's about how you feel about yourself.

For some women it is a dress or an event that sparks the motivation for me it is pure confidence in  my own skin.

Body

I noticed last night that my body was starting to ache during my sleep and suddenly remembered this use to occur before l lost weight, and 10 kilo's later the aches are starting to slowly come back. If that is not a push enough to make me start to shift the weight nothing is. When l was larger l never noticed the aches or pains, the lack of energy, the slightly oil skin and hair which also led to pimples and migraines plus l am sure there is more but l can't recall them at this present moment . All these symptoms l never realized were weight related until l lost weight and they disappeared. Finally l put two and two together and realized how much my body was suffering due to my weight.

Yesterday l started off the day well, and nearly ended it well until l thought l would try one piece of the children's new cereal 'Krave'. Well they don't call it 'Krave' because it sounds good, suddenly l found myself scooping large handful after large handful each time l walked past the pantry door. All my good efforts all unraveled within a 30 minute blind splurge on cereal. Today l am practicing the art of self restraint, try to be totally focused whenever l eat. The biggest issue for me is deliberating distracting myself while l eat so l don't acknowledge what l am doing. Just because l don't mentally acknowledge doesn't mean, unfortunately, my physical body follows suit.

So today is about mindfulness  try to be aware and present when l eat and acknowledge what l am doing.  

Hello 2013

As we enter a new year, l can not help but have that feeling of disappoint on how l have let my weight go. I spent energy both emotional and psychical to lose the weight and within a blink of an eye and a moment of lost focus it all started to come back.

2013 is the year that l will try to find a way that my diet isn't all consuming of my time and focus, that some how l'll learn to be aware of my eating without it taking a large hold on my life. With reflection l can see that anything that takes up that much time is not a sustainable practice.  Like one, somehow you need to be aware of it's presence with out it distracting you.

This is my new weight loss goal, to somehow learn to be aware of my eating, but for it not to consume me. Some people who read this will totally understand what l mean about the consumption that diet can play on your life. It's such a hard practice, like walking on a tight rope, their is only a small margin to get it right, and the rest is a huge scary fall. When you fall off a tightrope it is hard to get back on and work out what to do right to keep yourself on, your pride has been broken and worst still with weight everyone who is around you know's you have lost control. You can't hide it, you just have to own up to it.

Getting Closer to 2013

As l get closer to 2013, l feel like l am moving further away from my goals. I was always told that my thirties would be the busiest time of my life, but that is a large understatement. Weeks feel like days, semesters feel like weeks. I blink and time has passed me by. I am torn in so many directions, work, study, children, family, and then there is me. Trying to find time for me, without feeling like l am missing out on time better spent else where.

I have managed to keep up my fitness by squeezing in 5 min workouts in the morning and evening, and have just recently purchased myself a bike so love riding my bike with my boys, talking and playing with them. It's my food that continues to hold me back. I eat for the sake of eating, which drives me crazy. I avoid mirrors and certain clothing because l know they will give me the honest truth l am trying to avoid, which is l have let the food win again.

So today is another change to get it right. I need to get my eating back on track and stop avoiding the truth that l have gained far too much weight back, and it is not healthy. So l am going to try to find the time, along with everything else that l do, to make myself aware of what l am putting in my mouth. Writing this blog helps keep me aware and present, as l can not hide from the mirror any longer, if l do l will end up back where l was in 2005 by the end of 2013, which was over 100 kilos, unfit and unhappy. Now to unlock the energy l know l feel when l kick up the exercise and clean up the diet and use this to help me complete my crazy schedule  so when l do hit my forties and get to slow things down, l will have a body that is healthy and can enjoy this time.

Gone but not out

Well l thought l was balancing my diet well. My weight has been consistent and l have kept up the exercise. However l have felt my energy levels slowly reducing since Halloween. Yesterday l went to bed at 7 pm and didn't wake up till 8 am. After that amount of sleep l finally feel better, but it begs the question what has caused me to feel so tired. The only link l have is the food l have been eating since Halloween, which has been more sugar based. So today l start to clean up my act all over again. Let's see if this energy slump is because of my diet or my schedule  l guess l will find out in five days time.

Although it is hard to do, l find myself automatically placing my hand in the lolly jar. I am currently craving a hot donut. Instead l am having a glass of water and a yogurt. So l will keep you up to date with my energy levels to see if their is a link between the lolly jar and this tired feeling.

on the path

Okay l am slowly accepting the a ugly, awful, terrible (l could use more adjectives however you get the gist) truth that l will always have to watch what l eat. It is very hard for me to accept that l can't just eat with out having to think about it. However when l make the comparison to other addicts it does make sense. A recovering alcoholic has to come to terms with the fact that they can't go to a party and just have one or two drinks, because they can't stop themselves. That is how l am with food, once l start to stop thinking about it l slip into bad habits. I am lucky though compared to the alcoholic who could probably never take another sip of alcohol, l can have food l just have to monitor how much l have.

So l am hoping now that monitoring food will become more automatic. When l first learnt to drive a manual car l bunny hopped down the road as l was busy concentrating, clutch in, shift gear, clutch out, accelerator,steer, etc etc. I can now drive my manual car with very little thought of gear changes and in a very smooth fashion (if l do say so myself). This is how l hope to be with food eventually, right now l am bunny hoping down the road, but while l am doing this l am learning. I am making mistakes but l am learning from them. I never thought that losing weight would be such a hard challenge that deals with so much more than food.

To date l am now back to 72kilos yay!!! only three more kilos to be back to where l was this time last year. I now l can do it, even if l have to hop the whole way there.